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As the curtain falls...
Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
[ << Previous 25 ]
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2003.12.22 11.29
We're taking this way too slow...
Well, this is the last entry in this journal.
I hope they don't discontinue the whole no-code journal things while I'm gone.
Everybody should have a great New Year's, Happy Holidays to all no matter what you believe in. (Yule fasting? -- twat?!)
You've all made 2003 a good year, thanks. One of my goals for the coming year is to have fewer regrets...I think it's time to start letting the "real" Ken emerge, like Jon said. Watch out, fuckers.
I need improvement, but I'm happy with myself. If I could just learn to channel some of my passion, I could be near unstoppable. I'm aware of my faults and my weaknesses, as well as most of my strengths.
2004 won't make me a new person, just an improved version of myself. =)
We're winning, guys. We are fucking winning.
*Highlight of the day: "Is Jen REALLY a ninja?" -- my little brother
You have no idea.
Mood:  satisfied
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2003.12.21 22.55
Are you listening?
Tonight, tonight was just what I needed. Everything changes with time, but at least I can hold on to the memories we've created. So beautiful.
You make all the surrounding bullshit disappear...thank you.
Good night.
Mood:  loved
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2003.12.20 15.31
I'm the one who puts myself into the vulnerable positions, so I probably deserve it when I get hurt. I don't know why I do it. Why do I care, why do I want to love so much? Why do I constantly set myself up for disappointment?
I don't think anyone can give me what I want.
Mood:  disappointed
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2003.12.19 16.01
...won't you come?
I used to really, really love Christmas. Every year since I learned who Santa Claus really was, my love for this season has deteriorated. This year I could honestly say that I don't feel anything -- I don't hate the holidays, but I'm no longer affected by them. We won't even be home for Christmas Eve/Day. But, something about the way people are acting has made this season bearable. I don't know if it's the spirit of giving or what, but it's there. It exists. For me, it's love. For a long while I didn't believe in love -- I believed in attraction and possibly common interest...but then I really thought about it. In order for it to exist, I had to define it. What is love, for me? Well, it is self-sacrifice; the willingness to give yourself away for the benefit of someone else, knowing that you won't get anything in return. It is wanting that person to be happy at the expense of your own happiness. Well, there is a lot of love going around these days. And I realized that I don't think I've ever loved as many people as I do now. It's a great feeling.
I'm still not excited about going to Mexico. I'm excited about coming back, refreshed and powerful -- I want to have time to think, by the sea, at night, by myself...I am really fortunate to have that opportunity. It always empowers me, the ocean. Something about all that contained energy, calmed somehow by invisible lunar forces. Potential. Beauty.
I haven't heard this song in forever.
*Highlight of the Day: Still waiting for it.
Mood:  contemplative
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2003.12.18 19.05
They were right about you.
Everyone needs to take a cue from Marisa Demko. Girls and guys, everyone, seriously. She is my personal hero for this year so far. She takes on more than ANYONE else, does it all WELL, and without complaining. She still does some things that she enjoys, and she always has a good attitude. I wish I had half of her self confidence. Props to her.
I really want to do what Jon did with his buddy list, but I'm too lazy, at least, tonight. Sorry guys.
Today was okay; it felt like Friday as yesterday felt like Thursday. Hunter Thompson is starting to get really fulfilling for me, I wouldn't want it any other way.
Lots of prospects for the New Year. It's going to be a good one.
Still haven't bought Christmas presents. I am the KING of procrastination, YES!
I realized that I am very, very vain today. But, I am totally fucking sexy, and don't any of you forget it.
My girlfriend broke up with me twice in a period of 20 minutes.
*Highlight of the day: "You would SO not defeat me in battle!"
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2003.12.16 16.16
When you dig my grave,
As soon as I get back from break, I'm making a new journal. This one has about run it's course...not that i'm undergoing a major change or anything (though sometimes I wish I was).
I'm thinking about lifting weights again. Everyone can say it doesn't matter, but that's bullshit. People are and always will be shallow, in some way or another. Everyone. It's scientifically proven; we respond better to people we find attractive. So maybe I'll work on that. Maybe. A head start on a New Year's resolution.
Speaking of attractive, that Jen girl is mighty cute. Sometimes I feel stupid around her (even though I'm not) just because I'm attracted to her on so many levels, and I don't know how to express it. I tell her enough...but sometimes I want to share physical affection (not at school) and I don't want it to be awkward, I want it to be beautiful. But, it doesn't bother me as much because I feel that we have a better understanding now more than ever, and I think Marisa's advice has helped me a lot. It's nice to have an opportunity to learn from someone else's mistakes, and not just your own.
I just got back from Buckit "practice". The electricity at The Shop is out because some bum didn't pay the bill, so we pretty much just played on the tire swing =) We also had a short acoustic jam, which pretty much consisted of me showing the guys some Hunter Thompson songs. Soooo much potential.
The school day kind of sucked, but it's Tuesday, so I couldn't give less of a shit. I was exhausted from the moment I came to school; I took like 3 naps throughout the day. The pretentious indie asshole scarf and long johns really healped. I need to get off this fucking medicine. Our society is so dependent on drugs, it angers me that I bitch about things and just add to the problem. Not for long.
Meeting for the "Revolucion" publication at my house on Friday. More details to come. Brandy, will you be able to attend?
I know I had something more to say, but I have much else to do, so,
Ciao.
*Highlight of the day: Resolving to make shirts for Buckit that read, "Vote for Bush 2004" on the front and "Get Drafted in 2005" on the back.
Mood:  confused
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2003.12.15 18.25
We can wipe you out anytime.
Yeah, so, fighting with my Mom.
It started with me talking about going into Politics (which I'm seriously considering, maybe) and it ended with her calling me a "fucking bum". Sometimes I wish I was a bad fucking kid just to show her what it would be like.
I'm really starting to dread going on vacation with my family again. We see enough of each other, I want to be DONE. I want to stay here and play that show, I want to go to some fucking parties, I want to spend New Years Eve with my girlfriend...I want, I want, I want...
Whatever.
The rest of today was tolerable. I put some more things off, and I'm going to be hella busy the rest of the week, but I got to take a much-deserved nap. My medecine makes me tired all the time. And of course my family gives me shit for it. "If you're so sick, you shouldn't be going out on the weekends," fuck you. My eleven o'clock curfew doesn't exactly allow for a prospering social life. I'll be seventeen in March. Another year of this shit.
Yeah, don't get the wrong impression, my problems aren't that bad. I'm a lucky guy; fortunate in every way, I shouldn't be complaining. I'd be dead if I had nothing to complain about, though.
Ending on a somewhat positive note: I've been feeling really sexual recently...don't know what it is...for a while there, I felt pretty uninterested. Now, some kind of reawakening -- I'm not sure if I like it. The timing is not that great either. Perhaps putting this in my LiveJournal confirms my poor judgement. I trust you, though. Who knows, maybe it'll pass.
Out.
*Highlight of the day: Travis comparing ME to ROBBY JONES. hahaha, he said we'd both be perfect for natural helpers. And he was serious!
Mood:  aggravated
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2003.12.14 12.39
FIND A BEAT
For Christmas, I'm getting recording equipment/music stuff...we're going to start putting the EP together as soon as we get back. We're ready, we are so ready. We're going to get merch too, but that can wait a bit (we're not Riot, woot woot).
Hahah, YES! This band is awesome. Let's try to practice twice before I leave.
Days long gone and longing for...
Days to come.
Mood:  excited
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2003.12.13 22.54
I'll be a killer whale -- when I grow up
The show was good, and I'm not even a fan of ska. A lot of people I love were there, and a only a few fucks. I showed the fucks though, one of those kids learned to keep his shirt on when I threw water on him outside. If you're a fuck, you deserve it.
It was good to see Steve Fig. And I saw Bill Scheiderer (sp?), who I haven't seen since elementary school. It's quite a shock when you see someone for the first time, again.
Of course, it was good to see Jen. We're definitely hanging out next weekend, OR ELSE! I need (as usual) to talk to you in person, in private.
I enjoyed going to Espress Yourself with the girls as much, if not more, than the show itself. They're all good people, and I got to tell Marisa, Brandy, and Courtney about my idea. It's going to have an impact, I can feel it.
I have a lot of respect for Marisa; she gave me some good advice tonight. You're a tough one, faggot.
I gave two people I didn't know money tonight, and I got hugs from strangers. A lot of people said I looked upset, but I really wasn't (was I?)...I think that's just the way I am. Against the backdrop of all these happy kids skanking, I bet I do look pissed off about something. I think I'm just too cool ;).
Enough about tonight. Tomorrow will have me shoveling our driveway, and homework. Sundays suck. But you already knew that.
Goodnight, God Bless.
Mood:  tired
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2003.12.13 14.48
Good Lord
Guess what folks?
I found my fucking voice. I can sing, and you're going to like it.
If you have taste, you're going to love it.
Mood: accomplished
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2003.12.13 08.46
All the words that got in the way
I feel bigger, stronger.
I don't think that I'm afraid anymore. Of anything. I didn't come as some kind of epiphany, the epiphany that I have been waiting for. I just felt so weak and affected by everything, and now, I am strong.
It's going to be a good New Year.
I may not be in control of everything, but at least I have a plan. Or five. That, my friends, is half the battle.
It's time to fight back.
Carpe diem.
Mood: contemplative
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2003.12.11 15.28
We're not the same; we're different...
Your kiss does wonders for my mood.
Thursdays kick ass, and today was no exception. Aside from the fact that my entire eyelid looks as if it is going to burst (quite unattractive, for those who haven't noticed), I'm feeling much better than I felt yesterday.
As I've told Jon before, I feel like I know some great, amazing, wonderful people. And I'm lucky to know you guys...all of you.
It is really fucking cold outside.
I'm not super-excited for this weekend, but it'll be good to see how the show goes over @ the shop.
Things are starting to come together, I feel like I have a little bit more of a purpose in my life now.
Hunter Thompson (or Langston Hughes) band practice today, =).
Hey, J-dawg: since you don't have a meet next weekend, I would be really happy if we did something cool and out of the ordinary, since I'm leaving shortly after =(...Let me take you to Chicago, even if we haven't had the best of luck with that so far. And if you don't want to do that, or your parents won't let you, let's have a party or something else fun. Make one boy happy for the holidays, please. =) Look for me @ the show...I'll be there.
Peace on earth, Y'ALL <---residual from low-riding with my ghetto pants today
*Highlight of the day: Rachel, Megan, and Brian telling me that I will lead the revolution, and that my face is going to be on a shirt =)
Mood:  cold
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2003.12.09 21.33
Sketch! (ers)
(He) believed in silent suffering, did not see that it goaded. He struggled to deaden his feelings, to behave well. A test of love. The sharper the pain, the greater the proof. If he could endure now, if he could take it, in the end it would be all right. It would certainly be all right.
So all this time, Mia has told me to go to DJ about "renting" out the shop. 1 week, 2 girls and 3 beers later, I finally catch up to the elusive motherfucker. "Talk to Mia about it." *sigh...This is not the last you have heard from us!
I tried cookies for the first time. They didn't taste bad at all. Didn't do much for me, though. I'm a little mellowed out, that's 'bout it. Whatever, didn't have to pay anyway.
HUGS, NOT DRUGS!
Jam band practice was good. At one point everyone in the band was playing someone else's instrument, except for Andy of course. Our official name: Buckit. As in bucket, as in buck the police...just, buck it all to hell. I think it's splendid. Look out for us on the 17th of January (my show).
I also went to the doctor tonight. Apparently I have a sinus infection =( No more hugs for Kenny (if you don't get it right away, then you are most definitely OUT OF THE LOOP ). Ugh, more medecine to take.
Looks like I'm not debating this weekend...that's cool, one of my main reasons was to chill with J-dog anyway. hahah J-DAWG! muah.
*Highlight of the day: "Don, YOU'RE the fucking number ONE beer slut!" -- Mike Kulich
for those who care: gotta get up @ 3 again tomorrow =(
Mood:  mellow
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2003.12.08 17.14
...honest opinions about the stars.
Yeah it WAS going good. And then I realized who she was with last night, instead of being with yours truly.
"So you guys are going out?"
Yes, for a few weeks now.
"Do you even LIKE each other???"
Why did I have trouble answering that one? I fucking adore her.
*Highlight of the day: Hardcore screams at lunch, spilling cheese on little boy's sweaters, wearing my scarf like a pretentious indie asshole.
Mood:  crushed
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2003.12.07 19.20
Sho bop a doo doo wee. Devotion is a two-way street.
Ugh, I ate so much tonight, and it feels disgusting. I can't stop gagging. I need to learn to exercise more self-control, because eating only keeps me happy while I'm chewing. My parents make it such a big deal when I skip a meal in front of them. If you're not hungry, it's a mortal sin to eat. Isn't it?
I may be vain, but as soon as I kick this cold, or flu, or whatever it is -- I HAVE to start working out again. Once I just thought it was something that my Dad made me do, but I really felt healthier and more alive. The big muscles didn't hurt either ;) I have to go to the doctor tomorrow. My mom finally thinks that I'm too old to go to the pediatrician. hahahah I was too old about four years ago if you ask me.
I'm going to have to get up at 3 in the morning again to finish my homework. I wish Hurdle hadn't nominated me for this damn writing contest. We should've at least had a month's notice. I wish I didn't wait until the last minute to do everything.
Weird thing: I'm kind of looking forward to school tomorrow. Kind of.
Sundays will do that to you.
I had a dream that we were in a car, and I was lonely in the back. And you came and sat next to me. And you held my hand; I could feel your heart race as I knew you could feel mine. They were beating together, I could feel it shake my soul. We'd exchange glances and nothing else could make the world better. Yeah, it was kind of like that first night.
It won't let me forget.
There's nothing more I can say
Good riddance to this day.
*Highlight of the day - Me writing this entire journal entry in nothing more than a towel. Now that's HOT.
Mood:  okay
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2003.12.07 18.05
They say actions speak louder than words.
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2003.12.07 10.36
Never choke on a lie.
Relationships are supposed to make you happy. Giddy, flirty, loving.
Maybe I'm just imagining things, but I thought there was a time when you loved me as much as I love you.
There once was passion. Now holding hands with me, looking at me, makes you uncomfortable. What happened?
Recently I've felt like nothing more than a friend to you, and not even a close one at that. You don't confide in me when something's on your mind. You say you trust me. I have a hard time believing that.
And it's not that you're not setting aside time for us (you don't have any time, you work so damn hard), but you don't seem like you would want time for us anyway.
This isn't supposed to feel awkward, it's supposed to be natural...something's wrong.
Am I coward for putting this on my livejournal? No, this is a last resort -- I just haven't had the opportunity to tell you this because we haven't been alone in at least a month.
I'm sorry. It just hurts a lot, and I couldn't keep it inside any longer. I'm giving you all of myself. Don't take this the wrong way, please. Please. I couldn't bear to lose you. I know I can't change how you feel, about anyone or anything, and I don't really want to. I just wanted to let you know how I feel...and I guess I want to know how you feel, because I don't think I've heard that in a long time.
I don't want to lose you, I love you more than anyone, ever.
Please.
Mood:  frustrated
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2003.12.06 22.53
"Why is that?" you try to say...
I love my family -- sometimes they really suck, but I'd be truly lost without them.
I love the colorful winter sky tonight.
I am paranoid, oversensitive, often too analytical, insecure, egomaniacal, lacking in confidence, not as outgoing as I used to be, and sometimes I have trouble speaking. I'm not funny, or witty. Despite all my aforementioned faults, I'm strangely content with myself, at least for the time being. I can say that I feel I'm a good guy to be with.
Coffee with Laura was excellent. The time went by like THAT, and we didn't even talk about everything. I liked the spontaneity of the whole situation...I think I'm going to start acting on impulse a little more often. And now her and I are going to be Ted Turner partners for Chesterton: the big meet. Yup, we are going to kick ass.
I truly enjoyed spending the evening with Jon. He's a very reliable, non-opiniated guy who's easy to converse with. The jazz band concert was good. Every time I hang out with Andrew Lindh I like him even more. It was cool to see Sarah and John and Marisa and Mike and all those crazy soph kids. She makes me happy =) (shhh don't tell anyone; they're stealing christmas.)
A couple people have noticed that Jen is more affectionate with pretty much everyone besides me. Oddly, I don't mind one bit. Just watching her is an experience...
*Highlight of the day: Sarah pointing at Josh during the concert -- "Look! He's wearing TIGHTS!!!" hahaha
Mood:  content
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2003.12.06 11.25
How many dead men, God?
I'm just not...fun. I'm not funny, either. I'm serious, stubborn.
Mature?
Whatever it is, I wish I wasn't.
Mood:  distressed
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2003.12.05 21.43
For the love you bring.
No Arturo Sandoval =(
Well, I half -- okay, more than half -- figured that Jen wouldn't be able to go. So it didn't come as some big shock. I'm happy she told me before I lost my money though =) But now I really don't know what to get her for Christmas. hahah
It made me glad to hear the joy in her voice when she called. I haven't heard that happiness in a long time, and it made me smile. I fall for her more every day.
Bloody typical. : /
I didn't go to jam band practice tonight. Thus, I didn't get to talk to Clarke about renting his place out...he was gone anyway. Sorry Jackie, I'll do it A.S.A.P.
I'm still tired, but ironically more content than a few hours ago, while I was waiting for everything to happen: going out with friends, talking to DJ, confirmation on Arturo...now that everything is resolved, though not in the way I'd hoped/expected, I can chill out a little bit.
I look forward to spending tomorrow with you, and hearing you play in the evening.
Mood:  optimistic
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2003.12.05 17.18
So I see you've built yourself a fortress too,
Fridays are often overrated. I got up at 3 this morning to finish the "paper from hell" as Jon so aptly described it, decided I was a weakling, and went back to sleep. Got up again an hour later, finished the paper, but no time to study for the massive anatomy test =( I think I still probably did okay, though. The point is, I'm really, really tired. Not that it's anyone's fault but my own.
Band practice yesterday was really worth it. Everyone was here except Jon, AGAIN =P. That's alright, because I have confidence that he can sit down and play as good as any of us, without practicing. Still, I'd like to have his input in the writing process. It made me happy when everyone complimented me on my new material =). I feel like a musician again. Even the brutally honest Marisa said she liked all of the new songs (even though she had to dis me first! hahah). We are going to do battle of the bands, and we are going to fucking win. Unless the Dirty Skanks play. We'll let THEM win. heheh
My mom's giving me a hard time about going to jam band practice later tonight because I'm still a little sick. I feel kind of obligated to play with these guys -- it's been like 2 or 3 weeks. Plus I need to talk to DJ about Jackie's show, and mine...square away the venue and all that. Maybe I can get another nap in before I go.
'Sposed to hang out with Brandy today, but Marisa stole her from me. Leave it to those passive-aggressive debater types.
If someone in Lab Band tells you they suck, don't believe them. I had the pleasure of watching them practice, and they were pretty damn good if you ask me. Some of those musicians are too hard on themselves. Go to the concert this Saturday, the one with the Puerto Rican.
Jen, you have seemed really down this whole week. And you have the right to, you've been so busy. I've been trying to help cheer you up as much as I can, but I'm not much of a perky person myself. Hopefully seeing Arturo will rekindle the Marshall fire. I want to make you happy, but sometimes I just don't know how, or what I'm doing wrong. I guess we don't have the time to talk about that kind of stuff. For what it's worth, I'm a good listener, but opening up doesn't really seem to ease your mind. You're a special person, you're great, and I love you no matter what. And I mean that.
So yeah, bought Jen and I tickets to see Arturo Sandoval this Sunday. How romantic is that? hahah A great Christmas present if I do say so myself. I'm soo excited. I love riding the train, and Chicago in the wintertime is spectacular. I could be content with living in Chicago for the rest of my life...if my family wasn't so close!
Norway forever.
*Highlight of the day: Peace on Earth. Oh wait, that hasn't happened yet. Damn, let's work on that one folks.
G'night
Mood: tired
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2003.12.03 14.52
Might as well be an illusion.
Today was good. Most everybody was in a chipper mood, and that shit's contagious. I'm starting to catch up on some of my missed assignments, and Mrs. Yelton (she's awesome) gave me a major break.
Everything's peachy.
I'm debating whether to show my midterm to my rents. I got two B's, which is not acceptable to them. Yet, it's not a report card, and I really am trying my best. So why not just say, "Look, I know it's not perfect, but I'm working on it." Besides, the last time I didn't give it to them it came back and bit me in the ass a couple weeks later. As Grandpa says, honesty is the best policy.
hahaha.
Well, I really can't think of anything else to say, and I need my aspirin...so, until next time =)
*Highlight of the day: Marisa's Against Me! sweatshirt. I think I'm going to start listening to them some more. Yes, it was that good.
Mood: sick
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2003.12.02 15.05
I guess none of this has to last,
It was gone and that was that.
I owe it all to the movies.
I don't know what to say, or whether to say anything at all.
Recently I've felt like I need to spend some time with people just for the sake of being with them, and not worried about something else that's going on. Reading one of Brandy's recent entries made me nostalgic for days when the "scene" was everyone just chilling, getting together and appreciating local talent. Most of the cool kids don't go to shows any more. I don't blame them.
Everyone feels the same way, so throwing in my two cents is kind of ridiculous. Whatever.
I guess nobody has time any more, and to make matters worse, they have legitimate reasons NOT to just "hang out". Work, school, job, band, whatever...all are important, but I miss everyone! And I'm going to be gone ALL of Christmas break. Ugh.
It's confirmed that Hunter Thompson will NOT play Mia's show on the 13th. My jam band with Andy and crew might. HT is going to play soon, I promise. (SADD benefit? Jackie's show??)
Brad brought up a good point today during lunch. It seems that you need an obsession in order to have a "life" these days. I'm not in sports this year, and I participate in extracirriculars only sporadically. I love making music, but am I obsessed with it? Maybe. Some will argue that I'm not even a "real musician". I may not be able to read it, but I can compose music in my head. I may be tone deaf, but I am confident that my songs are as complex and well-written as anyone I've heard around here who's still in high school. Maybe it's the fact that I have nothing to show for it. Yup, I have no life.
Anyone who has played a succession of notes with feeling, with emotion, with love...on any instrument...is a real musician.
And while I'm at it: I'm envious of the time all the other band kids get to spend with Jen. And the closeness they all share. That's what started all of THAT a week ago. She seems so happy with her life, and so content with herself; perhaps I'm really envious of HER. That's no good. Let's just say I adore her. I'm looking forward to seeing the bands play this weekend, but it's been forever since we've been alone. And it's not like I want to "get her alone", but rather, I truly enjoy her company more than anyone else's. There's so much more you can say when you're alone with someone. And there's so much that needs to be said between us, that I want to say...should I say anything at all?
I apologize for this entry's all-around bitchiness. I'm sick and I have a lot of makeup work to do. What did she call it? Permanent male PMS?
*Highlight of the day: Nick reading his snippet from "She's Come Undone" in Mr. Hurdle's class, pausing delicately after the word "fuck" for effect. Twice.
Runner-up: Mrs. Virgil's very dramatic reading of our (Andy's and mine) "scary" Halloween story.
Stay Norway.
Mood:  melancholy
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mortalthirst's journal
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